one year closer to life

it’s been a year. not one of those crazy years in college or school where days were for seeking out air-conditioning and nights were meant for discovery. enough.

and i think the overbearing conclusion of this year is that i have sold my soul. a part of me clings on desperately to the Barbarian, but the spirit knows that his days are numbered. m & a were my oars while i rowed through the currents of reflection, and much is now clear to me. and it’s okay. it’s all okay. for now.

you see, i don’t do anything i particularly love. no, let me rephrase that; i don’t do anything i’m particularly passionate about. oh, i enjoy my work in parts, especially the parts where i get to lecture captive audiences on the finer (or focal) points of communicating, or cultural sensitivity. but that makes me little more than a glorified parrot. but that’s not the point of this ramble.

listening to the album undermind by phish. just through a few songs right now, but it’s shaping up well.

i want to write about how much i love you
i want to write about how much i have changed, or how i think i have changed in this last year. i don’t know if it has anything to do with you, and i don’t want to second-guess myself, my environment, and countless other influencial factors responsible for these changes, so i want to stay clear of causal statements.
i want to express how much i miss you, in a way which is beautiful, memorable, and pleasing to readers, without being corny or cheesy. and definitely without being unoriginal or plagiarist.
i want to write about how i’m okay being who i am. how i’m looking forward to building this future with you. how being with you, and being happy with you means more to me than being in a job that i like, or being in a company that i like. i want to do what’s best for us, because the time i spend with you is not necessarily the same time i spend doing things to make us, our families happy.

i want to write about how i’m beginning to love my parents all over again. how it burns me up that my father still has to work. about how weak i am to not be able to stand by his side and help him with what is possibly his last attempt at building a future for his children, for me. about how i want my parents to spend the rest of their lives without worrying about us, or their parents, or their siblings, or anything. about how this all gnaws at me inside, and how it’s something i haven’t sorted out yet. someday i will.

and someday i will write it all as well. but not today.

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