Horrorscopes – Aries

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!


As you might have already noticed, 2010 is off to a bad start. Your idiotic belief in your own invicibility left you with your face in the pot at the New Year’s Eve bash. Oh, and don’t look now, but your one true love was sucking somebody else’s face. And I said dicktits on purpose.

But don’t start buying your shares yet. The worst is yet to come. The single are going to stay single, and come the months from July to September, say bye-bye to any Aries-Aries, Aries-Leo, Aries-Saggi, or Aries-Libra relationships. Other Aries relationships may survive through this dark time, but only if both members sport fuschia tank-tops through the summer.

Aries blokes are typically skeptical and self-assured. Unfortunately, this is a year of balance, and without a sunny, dreamy and trusting outlook, the Aries male has significant chances of not making it through the year without a serious psychotic break, since he might see the world for how truly evil it is. The Aries female has nothing to worry about as she is continuing to suffer from delusions of grandeur, the symptops of which arose promptly after the Moon-Mars-Halley’s Comet situation of 2007. She will stay insane till the mid 20-teens.

congrats, you're a dickcongrats, you’re a dick

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