Horrorscopes – Taurus

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!


Stubbornly refusing to write 2010 on your checks doesn’t make you a year younger. Bite the bullet and move on with it. Stay clear of romance for the first few months of the year. Yes, this means that you cannot under any circumstances go after the girl you met on New Year’s Eve. So sorry to burst your bubble. However, if you want to still make a play for her, have at it! Remember, your buddies on facebook want to see pictures of her bitch-slapping you for your audacity.

Many of you Taurus males, since you’re not picky about your women, and are even less enthused about sun-sign matching than I am, must find yourself dating or chasing after Scorpio, Aquarius or Pisces mates. This is not a good idea. Aquarius and Pisces are too close to your own Zodiac (along with Aries, Cancer, Gemini and Leo) for a good match, but read their sections to see why you wouldn’t want to be with them. And nobody should be Scorpios. I feel sorry for the poor broads born in November. Scratch that. I feel worse for anybody who puts up with them.

Taurus women will have a generally comfortable year… if they find being stuffed into a 2x2x2 box that is then stabbed with knives euphoric. Your clinginess is a symptom of deeper, darker insecurities… such as how stupid you are. Take a deep breath, and read a book once in a while.

wait, a sperm with two tails? you fucking freak.wait, a sperm with two tails? you fucking freak.

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