Horrorscopes – Gemini

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!


Things about you that you already knew: you’re kind, caring, affectionate to a fault, and you go out of your way to do something cute. Example? Making your own greeting cards… with paper you recycled yourself… using odds and ends from around the house, like pencil shavings and unused matches (what a waste). Things that you might not know about yourself yet: you’re either a girl, or you’re gay. More often than not you can’t make up your mind about either of those, or about anything else, so at the New Year’s party you were the only one who looked like a cross-dressing bisexual who mixed vodka and brandy… and passed out. People then took pictures. And did other things. They told you they didn’t. And you believed them because you are so.fucking.gullible.

This year, grow a fucking stable image of yourself. It will come in handy all the time, like when you’re standing in a supermarket and can’t pick between Magic Masala and Cream n Onion. You’re probably in a relationship, because you’re a fucking pushover and some douchebag is taking advantage of that fact. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a simple test. Do you pay for everything? YES. Do you even pay for her friends? YES. Does he always have to come first? YES. See? QED.

Stop whining about your life and do something about it. No more mister nice person. Grow a pair. Get streaks in your hair. Ride a motorbike. Try and say the word ‘fucktard’. No, really, I mean it. Say it out loud, you fucktard. Again. FUCKTARD. Pathetic. Go tell your partner s/he an adorable sweetheart for walking all over you, because you don’t have the guts to actually say _______. And if you can’t work that out, you really are a _______.

you're always fucking second. or last.you’re always fucking second. or last.

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