Horrorscopes – Cancer

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!


2010 is the year you stop hiding in your shell and see the world. Not because you’re actually going to love it, or be happy, but because there rest of the world deserves a chance to laugh at you. Seriously, you might have skipped a New Year’s Eve bash because you were being cautious, but it’s time to come out of the closet and face the music.

Or don’t. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is that pisses me off about this particular one-twelfth of the world. Is it your lack of trust in people? Is it your calculating, scheming, twisted mind? Is it your fat thighs? Your unstable emotional responses? WHAT IS IT?!

Cancerian men and women universally drive me and everybody else on the planet insane. Some of the chicks get by because they’re pretty and men would suck up to Adolf Hilter if he looked like Paris Hilton. The guys on the other hand either swing to one of two extremes: somewhere where nobody ever wants to talk to them, and vice versa (e.g. Accountants), or somewhere where they are so alienated by all of their peers, they feel it necessary to take out this frustration on others who can’t defend themselves (e.g. prison inmates, or school teachers).

It is time for a change, people! Acknowledge you’re a menace to society and work from there; don’t overcompensate with fake smiles because you are terrible actors and we see right through to your evil hearts. Stop being a dictator. Live and let live a little.

you can't manipulate meyou can’t manipulate me

One Response to “Horrorscopes – Cancer”

  1. Again, in case you didn’t get the point last time- Why so pissed off, son?

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