Archive for horrorscopes

Horrorscopes – Cancer

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on 12th January, 2010 by kal

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!

Cancer

2010 is the year you stop hiding in your shell and see the world. Not because you’re actually going to love it, or be happy, but because there rest of the world deserves a chance to laugh at you. Seriously, you might have skipped a New Year’s Eve bash because you were being cautious, but it’s time to come out of the closet and face the music.

Or don’t. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it is that pisses me off about this particular one-twelfth of the world. Is it your lack of trust in people? Is it your calculating, scheming, twisted mind? Is it your fat thighs? Your unstable emotional responses? WHAT IS IT?!

Cancerian men and women universally drive me and everybody else on the planet insane. Some of the chicks get by because they’re pretty and men would suck up to Adolf Hilter if he looked like Paris Hilton. The guys on the other hand either swing to one of two extremes: somewhere where nobody ever wants to talk to them, and vice versa (e.g. Accountants), or somewhere where they are so alienated by all of their peers, they feel it necessary to take out this frustration on others who can’t defend themselves (e.g. prison inmates, or school teachers).

It is time for a change, people! Acknowledge you’re a menace to society and work from there; don’t overcompensate with fake smiles because you are terrible actors and we see right through to your evil hearts. Stop being a dictator. Live and let live a little.

you can't manipulate meyou can’t manipulate me
Advertisements

Horrorscopes – Gemini

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on 9th January, 2010 by kal

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!

Gemini

Things about you that you already knew: you’re kind, caring, affectionate to a fault, and you go out of your way to do something cute. Example? Making your own greeting cards… with paper you recycled yourself… using odds and ends from around the house, like pencil shavings and unused matches (what a waste). Things that you might not know about yourself yet: you’re either a girl, or you’re gay. More often than not you can’t make up your mind about either of those, or about anything else, so at the New Year’s party you were the only one who looked like a cross-dressing bisexual who mixed vodka and brandy… and passed out. People then took pictures. And did other things. They told you they didn’t. And you believed them because you are so.fucking.gullible.

This year, grow a fucking stable image of yourself. It will come in handy all the time, like when you’re standing in a supermarket and can’t pick between Magic Masala and Cream n Onion. You’re probably in a relationship, because you’re a fucking pushover and some douchebag is taking advantage of that fact. Don’t believe me? Well, here’s a simple test. Do you pay for everything? YES. Do you even pay for her friends? YES. Does he always have to come first? YES. See? QED.

Stop whining about your life and do something about it. No more mister nice person. Grow a pair. Get streaks in your hair. Ride a motorbike. Try and say the word ‘fucktard’. No, really, I mean it. Say it out loud, you fucktard. Again. FUCKTARD. Pathetic. Go tell your partner s/he an adorable sweetheart for walking all over you, because you don’t have the guts to actually say _______. And if you can’t work that out, you really are a _______.

you're always fucking second. or last.you’re always fucking second. or last.

Horrorscopes – Taurus

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on 8th January, 2010 by kal

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!

Taurus

Stubbornly refusing to write 2010 on your checks doesn’t make you a year younger. Bite the bullet and move on with it. Stay clear of romance for the first few months of the year. Yes, this means that you cannot under any circumstances go after the girl you met on New Year’s Eve. So sorry to burst your bubble. However, if you want to still make a play for her, have at it! Remember, your buddies on facebook want to see pictures of her bitch-slapping you for your audacity.

Many of you Taurus males, since you’re not picky about your women, and are even less enthused about sun-sign matching than I am, must find yourself dating or chasing after Scorpio, Aquarius or Pisces mates. This is not a good idea. Aquarius and Pisces are too close to your own Zodiac (along with Aries, Cancer, Gemini and Leo) for a good match, but read their sections to see why you wouldn’t want to be with them. And nobody should be Scorpios. I feel sorry for the poor broads born in November. Scratch that. I feel worse for anybody who puts up with them.

Taurus women will have a generally comfortable year… if they find being stuffed into a 2x2x2 box that is then stabbed with knives euphoric. Your clinginess is a symptom of deeper, darker insecurities… such as how stupid you are. Take a deep breath, and read a book once in a while.

wait, a sperm with two tails? you fucking freak.wait, a sperm with two tails? you fucking freak.

Horrorscopes – Aries

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on 8th January, 2010 by kal

It’s now a few days into January, and you already have a pretty good idea what the new year’s going to be like. No? Allow me to help you with our first series of 2010… for 2010… Horrorscopes!

Aries

As you might have already noticed, 2010 is off to a bad start. Your idiotic belief in your own invicibility left you with your face in the pot at the New Year’s Eve bash. Oh, and don’t look now, but your one true love was sucking somebody else’s face. And I said dicktits on purpose.

But don’t start buying your shares yet. The worst is yet to come. The single are going to stay single, and come the months from July to September, say bye-bye to any Aries-Aries, Aries-Leo, Aries-Saggi, or Aries-Libra relationships. Other Aries relationships may survive through this dark time, but only if both members sport fuschia tank-tops through the summer.

Aries blokes are typically skeptical and self-assured. Unfortunately, this is a year of balance, and without a sunny, dreamy and trusting outlook, the Aries male has significant chances of not making it through the year without a serious psychotic break, since he might see the world for how truly evil it is. The Aries female has nothing to worry about as she is continuing to suffer from delusions of grandeur, the symptops of which arose promptly after the Moon-Mars-Halley’s Comet situation of 2007. She will stay insane till the mid 20-teens.

congrats, you're a dickcongrats, you’re a dick

%d bloggers like this: